Chicago

Frank Sinatra once said (or sang) 

"My kind of town, Chicago is."

After returning home from a weekend in Chicago, it's hard to understand how anyone could not like that beautiful city. Maybe it's just because I'm a city person who loves simply strolling downtown passing hundreds of people and hearing taxis and buses honking at each other. Or riding the train and watching the transition from skyscrapers to houses and parks. 

Some people define themselves as country folk or a city person. I don't think I can solidly place myself in either category. I like living in the country; there's the sunsets, the peaceful rain storms, the star gazing at night, or just sitting on the patio listening to bullfrogs in the summer darkness. But then I absolutely love big cities. The hustle and bustle, the random people doing totally random things on street corners, the amazing architecture of the buildings, and the overall excitement it presents. 

•Moving On•

 Moving on. What kind of title is this? Moving on. Can one ever truly "move on?" Let me explain. 

I was reading a place in one of my notebooks where, after being severely disappointed, I had written down quotes about moving on from an emotional setback. And it got me thinking about how one really does move on. After writing 4 pages of quotes out, I was trying to convince myself on that day a year ago, that I could move on and triumph over the pain that was plaguing me. I did, eventually move on over the surface pain and anger. But the regret and hurt will never completely fade. 

Looking back farther in time, to 2 years ago, I glance at another trial that gave me much sorrow. I will not go into great detail, as that is not needed here. But, what I suffered then has stayed with me to this very day. To this very moment. I wish I could say I have moved on from that; but some things cannot be removed from your mind, nor from your heart. It was a pain so deep, so real, I could literally feel my heart breaking. You read about such sensations in novels and watch it in movies; but I felt that very thing. The kind of pain where you don't know how life could possibly go on after what has happened to you. The kind of pain where you begin to believe you can now longer trust anyone in your life because of your trust being broken. The kind of pain when your heart has been betrayed and used and left behind. When you wait until everyone around you is asleep so you can cry aloud. When every night your pillow is drenched with tears. And every morning you wake up with red, dry eyes. Unless you have ever experienced such emotional pain, you cannot possibly understand what it is truly like. So I ask you again. Can one truly move on from something so heartbreaking? And from something that temporarily ruined their life? 

My answer is that the answer is inconclusive.  Because it is possible to move on from how deeply you feel the pain, but the hurt never entirely goes away. Now, for some people, they are able to block it from their minds, and go on. But there are others, who simply just close their eyes and all the memories can flash before them, and they can feel the pain exactly as they felt it years before. 

Pain and hurt, however do not have to be the end of your story. There comes a time when you must decide to let go, and live on. Not move on, but live on. Letting the past be the past. I personally know what it is like to carry months and months of emotional grief every single day of my life and never move on from it. And let me tell you. That is the worst way you could ever live your life. When you never smile, when you never laugh, and when everyday is just a struggle from the time you rise in the morning until you sleep at night. And if you find yourself at this very point, I want to say one thing to you; don't let go of hope. Of life. Because tomorrow could possibly be the very day your dreams get rebuilt. And the very day that you begin to move on.